


in which christmas sucks

by johnllauren



Series: john laurens, who is very much a trans boy [1]
Category: 18th Century CE RPF, Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Christmas, Gender Dysphoria, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Trans John Laurens, Trans Male Character, written by trans author dw
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-26
Updated: 2017-12-26
Packaged: 2019-02-20 16:27:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,315
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13150509
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/johnllauren/pseuds/johnllauren
Summary: John Laurens is a closeted trans boy trying to survive the holidays, and also eldest child to rich Senator and CEO Henry Laurens, which means throwing Christmas parties. Cleaning, hostess-ing, and wearing a skirt isn't exactly John's element. He's got the strength to get through it by himself, but having a boyfriend who has a way with words and is only a text message away isn't bad either.





	in which christmas sucks

**Author's Note:**

> i haven't written anything in a while hello its nice to be back
> 
> this is a lil bit of what I call shameless projecting

John plays with the sleeves of his sweater. They’re already mostly frayed, but he doesn’t care. His father will be upset at that, but he can just cuff his sleeves so nobody sees. 

He picks up his phone, ignores the shaking of his hands, and texts Alex. 

“Can I call you while I get ready?” He types, surprised at his lack of typos, and sends it. 

Alex doesn’t even text back, he just video calls John. John almost hangs up and calls him regularly, so he doesn’t have to look at himself in the corner of the screen. But he answers anyway. 

“Hi, Alex.” John says and his voice only cracks a little. It still sounds like he’s about to cry. 

“Babe, you look so handsome!” Alex exclaims immediately. 

John blushes. The majority of him pipes up with a ‘no you don’t.’ But he says nothing. 

“I’m leaving in fifteen minutes.” comes his response. 

“John, you look so masculine,” Alex says. “You know, only the strongest of boys could handle what you’re going through.” 

John looks down. “Thank you, Alex.” 

He’s wearing black tights, a black skirt that is much too short for his liking, and a cropped knitted baby pink sweater with a few pearls sewn into it. Looking down makes his breath hitch since he’s wearing an actual bra and not his usual sports bra, which might not be a binder but at least it flattens his chest. His usually curly hair is perfectly straightened with not a lock out of line. It looks so much longer when straightened, and John hates it. There’s also a crazy amount of makeup on his face, which matches his skin tone but covers up his freckles. His eyebrows are perfectly manicured and filled in, and he’s wearing silver eyeshadow and false eyelashes. Safe to say, he hates everything about it. 

“How long do you have to be there?” Alex inquires, referring to the party John is about to attend. 

It’s his father’s work Christmas party. John’s father, the infamous Henry Laurens, is not only a senator of South Carolina but also the CEO of a very expensive business. So his Christmas parties are a big deal, and this year the motherfucking vice president is showing up. 

Which means John has to be on his best behavior, as Henry Laurens’s ‘daughter’ - which includes chatting up the guests and acting as hostess for most of it, since his mom’s dead and his dad isn’t good for much except for socializing. Which would have been all well and good, albeit annoying, if John wasn’t very trans and very dysphoric. 

“All night. It ends at eleven,” John sighs. “Come on, I need your opinion on shoes.” 

He grabs the camera and flips it around, revealing a pair of glossy baby pink heels that match his sweater and a pair of black heels with pearls on them to match the accents on his sweater. They’re both four inches and the heel is so thin that Alex has to wonder how anyone could walk in them. 

“The black ones,” Alex says, “You’ll feel better wearing those, right?” 

John flips the camera around and nods. “I hate pink.” 

He slips the heels on like it’s second nature to him. “All I have to get through is tonight and then two more days and then all this Christmas shit is over.” 

“And the day after Christmas we get to see each other all day.” Alex reminds him. It’s become their tradition now, seeing each other the day after Christmas and having their own little celebration, since John is busy the entire week before. 

For the first time in a few days, John smiles. “Yeah,” 

He’s had a busy week - cleaning for his father, buying the presents his father has to give people (since “the woman of the house’s” job is to buy the gifts, Henry is too busy), and mentally preparing himself for parties. Today, two days before Christmas, is the first party - his father’s work party in a rented ballroom, with a tentative after party at Henry Laurens’s mansion (the mansion John also inhabits). 

Tomorrow he has to clean more in the morning, the aftermath of the after party, and make the house spotless for the next day. Then the afternoon brings Christmas Eve Mass, which Henry and his children attend more for appearance’s sake than religion, and have Christmas Eve dinner with John’s relatively close family. Christmas, the next day, begins at an unholy hour in the morning while John cleans the house until it reaches his father’s insane expectations. Then John’s extended family comes over for the whole day in a combination of presents, food, screaming, fighting, and drinking. Then it ends, as quickly as it started, and John goes to bed. 

“How you holding up?” Alex asks, his eyes wide with care and concern that John isn’t used to receiving. 

John nods. “I’ll be okay.” It’s far from ‘I’m okay’ but it’s a start. “Christmas ends.” 

“But it’s not fair that you just want the best time of year to be over,” Alex protests, “One day Christmas will be our favorite time. Cause we’ll be together with our family - chosen family - and everything will be happy. And everyone will know that you’re John, and you’re a boy, and it’s never been any other way.” 

“Okay.” John says, but Alex understands how much it means to him. 

A voice bellows John’s deadname from the other room, and John flinches. He looks apologetically at Alex, who mouths ‘I love you, John’ and hangs up. John pulls on his coat and places his phone in his pocket and sprints out the door. 

Throughout the party, John is only able to send Alex three messages. 

“I hate this.” 

“I’m miserable” 

“Please be awake when I get home I love you.” 

He goes to the bathroom twice to retouch his makeup and as an escape when the tears he’s been holding back are threateningly close to spilling out. 

He and his father hand out plenty of gifts with fake smiles, only to have them accepted by more fake smiles. His father is presented with gifts, not him, because nobody cares about the CEO’s ‘housewife.’ 

By the end of the night, John is mentally exhausted. Despite the heels, his feet don’t hurt, but it feels like his brain does. He stays for around an hour of the after party, then quietly slips into his room. He shuts and locks his door, then immediately changes out of his disgusting outfit and into his favorite pajamas - a pair of Alex’s flannel pajama bottoms and an oversized shirt. 

He wants to call Alex, he really does, but sometimes hearing his voice is just too much - it’s high and gross and not him - and he’s done enough talking tonight, so he just texts Alex goodnight and says he’ll call tomorrow, since everything is just too much right now. Alex, bless his heart, understands immediately and tells him not to worry about it. 

‘Goodnight, John, baby. I know everything sucks right now, and I can’t make it not suck, but soon you won’t have to deal with any of this, I promise. You’re going to get through it, because you’re such a strong boy, and you’re going to be able to leave and transition and never see your family again. And no matter what happens, John, I’m going to be here right beside you. I love you, baby. Soon you’ll be in my arms and I can hold you and everything will be okay, even if it’s just for a little bit. But right now, you’re so masculine, and strong, and I love you. Only real men wear pink, remember that.’ Alex texts in response. 

John reads the words, then reads them over again. His cheeks flush pink and he screenshots the message. 

Damn that boy and his way with words.

**Author's Note:**

> theres gonna be at least two more things in this series because I'm super trans and so is john laurens 
> 
> tumblr - lafayettesass


End file.
